It’s the fear of being known as ‘flaky.’ It’s the fear of man that plagues my mind and has kept me from making a decision this whole time. It’s my desire to be in control of my life. It’s the desire to not be wrong. It’s not fun to admit that I may have been wrong. Or that maybe I didn’t understand the future as well as I once had thought. I hate changing my mind. I don’t like not being a person of my word.
But more than I fear a hit on my reputation, I fear missing out on what God has for me. I fear missing out on the very best.
I must surrender.
No, we cannot control our hearts.
I wondered that the other week. I was talking with a friend, and I asked the question,
“Can a heart be controlled?”
The answer sprung from my lips almost faster than I could articulate the question.
“No.”
No, a heart cannot be controlled. It is wild. It is tossed here and there by each passing wind. A heart cannot be controlled. It is often the victim to the wild emotions of this life- at least, in my life it is. But while the control of a heart falls out of our hands, Jesus spoke to me and said,
“The key is surrender.”
Surrender. I cannot dictate how my heart feels and I cannot reign it in or keep it in a bridle. But I can surrender. I can turn all of my heart over to the God who is ever trustworthy. I can give my heart to my good, good Father. And the deepest freedom is found there, in surrender.
For I no longer trust my own weak self to control my heart. I have failed every time. But in surrender I find that my heart is in very good hands. My heart listens to my Father. My heart responds to His affections and His invitations to follow Him. My heart melts in His presence and becomes permeable. He turns my heart of stone into flesh. While I was the ruler of my own heart, I lived in utter darkness, hiding in shame and fear and confusion. But when Jesus broke in and become the true Lord of my heart, light broke forth and my heart was completely transformed under His care.
Months ago I felt the Lord tugging at my heart, urging me to surrender my plan to go to Guatemala. I reacted swiftly in fear: “No!” I held my treasured dream with clenched fists and protected it fiercely. This would be the fulfillment of everything I wanted to be. This was my dream, or so I thought.
“Trust me,” I heard the Lord beckon me.
I wasn’t quite on board with that. I knew I could trust Him, and I could in the past, but I was not willing to surrender this one thing. Clearly my heart was in a dangerous place of not being fully surrendered.
But in His love, the Lord pursued me still on this topic.
He showed me that He had a new dream for me.
I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand its purpose or why I would need to embrace this new dream. What was wrong with the dream I had for myself?
But He beckoned me once more to lay down my own dream that I’ve been carrying.
I think this old dream was actually the idea of a person I thought I should be. I wanted to be that idea: the traveling missionary who lived overseas for her whole life.
But Jesus beckoned me to lay it down. He told me that what He had for me, this new dream, was much better.
I was so reluctant, but then I remembered His love. I remembered His affections. I remembered Him carrying me up the mountain and through the valley. I remembered Him holding my heart when it hurt. I remembered Him there with me when I was surrounded by darkness. I remembered, and so I let it go, trusting in the God who has always been so good to me. Having faith in the God who I believed in with all of my heart. I dropped my treasure and surrendered. Because I knew who He was, and who He would always be: completely and totally trustworthy.
And with my hands now emptied, I was able to embrace the new dream that God had for me. And He showed me that this new dream was actually what I had always longed for.
I am finding that the idea of what I wanted to be, wasn’t actually me at all. God has been showing me who I really am. And it’s not traveling and living overseas. At least not now. And I am finally okay with that.
And He wants me to operate in who I am, because that is where I am fully alive and fruitful for His Kingdom. This is where His glory lies, in being fully myself and operating in the true dreams He has given my heart. Not in someone else’s dream. I was never meant to live someone else’s dream.
But I will be the most alive and radiant when I am living the dream He has given my heart, being fully who He created me to be.
And that is this: Cultivating deep community, here in the States now, and living an infectious life of worship.
That statement is freaky for me to admit. Because it’s completely opposite of what I always thought I wanted to be or should be. But it is SO where my heart is. It is where I find most joy and operate in the most passion.
And that is what He wants for me. That is what He wants for His Kingdom.
I feel so free to be myself, more than ever before. Because I don’t have to try to be something I’m not.
So, all this to say: I am not going to Guatemala this Spring. I am staying in Gainesville, pursuing the dream of leading worship and cultivating deeper community here. I will be continuing with CGA doing another semester of Worship Track.
This was a hard decision for me to make. The people-pleasing side of me was still trying to convince myself to go to Guatemala, despite the tugging on my heart I tried and failed at ignoring. But the wisdom of the Lord showed me that I would really be doing a disservice to go and serve half-heartedly.
It is a hard sacrifice, to give up this treasure and this idea I have clung to for so long. But it PALES in comparison to the treasure God has for my heart.
Surrender is the key to all joy and freedom, because joy and freedom is only found in Jesus.
I am excited to stay in Gainesville. God has been doing so much in me here, and I cannot wait to continue this journey and pursue more of my calling and who He has created me to be in His Kingdom.
