A week ago I was seriously beginning to doubt that I had what it takes to go to Guatemala. Maybe it was kind of like how I doubted that I had what it took to come to Gainesville.
When I arrived here in Gainesville, I had some serious issues with feeling inadequate. I was very intimidated. After all, I found I was the youngest apprentice in CGA and on top of that, I didn’t do the World Race. I found myself feeling so small and so fearful because I believed I didn’t really belong here. But the Lord spoke to my heart and reminded me of who I am. He reminded me that it is the enemy who wants to keep me frozen in fear. And as long as I am believing the lies that I am inadequate and that I don’t really belong here, I will miss out on all that the Lord has for me in this season. And I will be rendered useless for the Kingdom of God. So with the strength of the Lord and His Spirit within empowering me to trust Him, I chose to be here. And to be fully present here. To believe that God did bring me here for a divine purpose. And that this is right where I needed to be. And I found that my eyes and ears were opened- I was able to see and hear and receive all that the Lord had for me in this season. And it has been so rich and so full. The Lord has been teaching me so much here, and I am beyond grateful that He convicted my heart.
And weeks later, I found myself battling through the same lies I had just been freed from. As Guatemala loomed ahead in the horizon, I found myself shrinking back. I found myself really questioning whether I would go again.
Part of this I think was healthy. I had been holding on so tightly to my dream of going to Guatemala. Maybe so tightly that I forgot to ask the Lord if this is really where He wants me to go. Back in April I had heard Him tell me to go. But that plan was slightly changed when I ended up coming to Gainesville first. Perhaps He had only spoke to me about going to Guatemala in order for me to get to Gainesville. But perhaps what He had spoken about Guatemala still holds true.
Regardless, I was brought to a place of questioning whether or not I would still go to Guatemala. And I realized that while some of my questions were rooted in a true place of asking the Lord what He wanted, much of my doubt was rooted in distrust- not in the Lord, but in myself. I was relying on myself to do well in Guatemala. And as I looked inward, what I saw was inadequacy. The truth is, I don’t have what it takes. I am not fluent in Spanish. I don’t have any long-term experience to bring to the table. I don’t have what it takes to be an encouragement to the base there. I found that, indeed, I am not qualified. In and of myself, I have nothing to offer.
But the revelation came when I turned to the Lord rather than myself. “I have given you everything you need,” He reminded me. “I have given you my Spirit within you.”
“I qualify you.”
Those words sunk deep, beyond my own reasoning, and my own doubt, and pierced my heart. Those powerful words from my Father, the King, silenced every lie that I believed. His words gave me the boldness I needed to say “Yes,” not to myself, but to the Almighty God who lives within me. He lives in me, not because I earned it. But because of the gift He graciously gave to me because He loves me. Because He loves those whose hearts I will touch.
And that is all I need. My God qualifies me.
On what basis to I go to Guatemala? On what basis can I speak life and encouragement- on what basis do I bear any fruit for the Kingdom of God? It’s Jesus, not just with me, but living WITHIN me. Empowering me and equipping me with every good thing I need to follow after the call He has placed on my life.
And just like that, filled with the Spirit of God, I am saying “Yes.”
But how much more does my “Yes” mean, now that I know where the power comes from? He is the vine. I am the branch. My power and my authority to do anything good comes from the abundant life found in the Vine Himself. He is all I need.
“Now may the God of peace- who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood- may he equip you will all you need for doing his will. May he produce in us, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen.” Hebrews 13:20-21
